Uncle Dave's Blog

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I locked my car.  As I walked away I heard my car door unlock.  I went back and locked my car again three times . Each time, as soon as I started to walk away, I would hear it unlock again!!  Naturally alarmed, I looked around and there were two guys sitting in a car in the fire lane next to the store. They were obviously watching me intently, and there was no doubt they were somehow involved in this very weird situation.  I quickly chucked the errand I was on, jumped in my car and sped away.  I went straight to the police station, told them what had happened, and found out I was part of a new, and very successful, scheme being used to gain entry into cars.  Two weeks later, my friend’s son had a similar happening….

While traveling, my friend’s son stopped at a roadside rest to use the bathroom.  When he came out to his car less than 4-5 minutes later, someone had gotten into his car and stolen his cell phone, laptop computer, GPS navigator, briefcase…..you name it.  He called the police and since there were no signs of his car being broken into, the police told him he had been a victim of the latest robbery tactic — there is a device that robbers are using now to clone your security code when you lock your doors on your car using your key-chain locking device..

They sit a distance away and watch for their next victim. They know you are going inside of the store, restaurant, or bathroom and that they now have a few minutes to steal and run. The police officer said to manually lock your car door-by hitting the lock button inside the car — that way if there is someone sitting in a parking lot watching for their next victim, it will not be you.

When you hit the lock button on your car upon exiting, it does not send the security code, but if you walk away and use the door lock on your key chain, it sends the code through the airwaves where it can be instantly stolen.

This is very real.

Be wisely aware of what you just read and please pass this note on.  Look how many times we all lock our doors with our remote just to be sure we remembered to lock them — and bingo, someone has our code…and whatever was in our car.

Snopes Approved –Please share with everyone you know!!

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’
‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ ‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.’

$50 LESSON
I recently asked my friends’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President of the United States .
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there. So I asked her, “If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?” She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people…
Her parents proudly beamed. “Wow…what a worthy goal,” I told her. “But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. Tell you what – you can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. How about doing something wonderful like that?”
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”
I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”
Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

Thank you for coming.

Thanks to those of you who knew our mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, mother-in-law, and loved her as we did.

And thanks to those of you who have come to provide us strength and support as we mourn, and as we celebrate not only her life among us, but her passing on to the next glorious and mysterious adventure.

We knew mom as a wife, as a singer, as an artist, as a friend.

Her grandchildren and great-grandchildren knew her as their wonderful “Amama”.

But my sisters and brother and I knew her as our mother.

You often worry, at times like these, that you will dwell on the angry times, the bad memories. But God has a way of cleansing our hearts and minds, of sweeping away the sorrow and guilt and bitterness, so that only the good, sweet memories remain.

Memories of a mother who supported us in all things. A mother who was a gracious hostess, and who always welcomed our friends into our home.

Carol remembers that all of her boyfriends loved our mother.

Mary remembers how non-judgmental our mother was of her children.

When our brother was alive, he used to tell people that our mother was just like June Cleaver, doing her housework in a dress and wearing pearls. That probably wasn’t too far from the truth.

One of my fondest memories of mom is the two of us sitting at the piano singing songs from Broadway musicals; those of you who know me will not find that at all surprising.

But the best memory I have is of Valentines Day in 1964, a week after the Beatles had arrived in the United States. My brother and I came to the breakfast table and each of us had a Beatles album at our place. It was typical of our mother to think of something like that.

Our mother was very intelligent; very good with crossword puzzles and words. So it is not surprising that on the morning of the last day of her life, when I went into mom’s hospital room, I found her giving a speech to an imaginary audience, using words and phrases beyond belief. For much of her hospital stay, she had been speaking in a low, sometimes slurred voice. But that morning she was speaking loudly and clearly. Many of you have heard the recordings I made of her “lecture”. It is truly amazing stuff, and I suspect the only reason much of it sounds a bit jumbled and incoherent to us is that we are not yet privileged enough to gain the insights that she had in the last hours of her life.

The wisest thing she said that day was this: “Just when you get your life all settled down, everything goes boom and there is your dog and his friends looking at you.”

Most of her life was well settled, but occasionally there were booms which she overcame with courage and grace, with or without our dogs and their friends.

And so after leaving us with this final bit of wisdom, she has moved on to heaven, where everlasting life is rich and filled with joy;
where no question goes unanswered;
where no pains go unrelieved;
where no opportunities are denied;
where no dreams go unfulfilled.

A place where her singing voice is so clear and melodious, that even the angels pause to listen.

And while we take solace in knowing that we will see her again, each in our own turn, we can be equally comforted knowing that she is with her beloved mother and sister, her loving husband and son, both of whom left us much too soon.
She is becoming reacquainted with the earthly father that she never had a chance to know.
And she is with her heavenly father who she has known and loved all her life.
Not a bad ending to 86 years, 363 days on earth.

These are the voice recordings I made of Amama on the last day she was alive. It seems she thought she was giving a speech in a lecture hall. I only wish I had recorded more.
First
Second
Third
Fourth
Fifth

Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xms. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a frigging book called a dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
——————————————————————
Dear Santa: I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is Peace and Joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa
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Dear Santa: I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas I’d like for my Mommy and Daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad’s banging the baby-sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. You’re getting Legos instead.
Santa
——————————————————————
Dear Santa: I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.
Joe’s, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid ‘Francis’ nowadays? I bet you’re gay. Barbie dream house it is!
Santa
——————————————————————
Dear Santa: I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs, and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
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Dear Santa: What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
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Dear Santa: Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house. Santa
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Dear Santa: I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater…. Again!
Santa
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Dearest Santa: We don’t have a chimney in our house so how do you get in?
Love, Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself ‘Marky’! That’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

I am so royally pissed off at Bank of the West – where I bank – that I just want to scream!
For months, now BoW has been tantalizing us with the exciting changes coming to their online home banking site. Changes that would make things easier, go faster, etc.
Tonight the site went live! I was so very excited. (Yes, little things like this excite me a lot.)
And then I was pissed!!! PISSED!!!
You see, with BoW, when you enter in your payees, the people you pay bills to, you have an option of giving them nicknames. So my Chase Amazon Visa, becomes “Chase Amazon”. My Chase Paypal Visa, becomes “Chase PayPal”. My Chase United Miles Visa, is “Chase United”. So that even though they are all paid to Chase – too complicated to explain why I have three, actually four, cards with Chase – they showed up by their nicknames, in alphabetical order. I have other payees that are separate accounts with the same company, and because I also do my mom’s banking with BoW, there are many more on her accounts. This all worked out great! When you selected a bill pay page it gave you an alphabetized list of payees, by nickname if they were assigned one or by actual name if they were not. You then put a dollar figure next to the ones you were paying and hit one button. All sorted nice and neat the way I want them.
Now, because BoW wanted to make their site “better”, they have created drop down menus to select payees you want to pay. The drop down menus show the payees names, not the nicknames, so I now have a list that shows four Chase payees, with nothing to tell me which is which!!! Now, on their main bill pay page, they have all the payees listed, but now it is alphabetized by payee, not by nickname, so there is really no point in having nicknames! Idiots!
Now, it gets worse! If you want to edit any of the payee information, you have to select the payee from a drop-down list. This list does also show the last few digits of the account number, but since I never paid attention to them before, I have to click on each one to see if that is the one I want to edit.
And the worst thing is, I bet not enough people to complain for those idiots to fix this!
Oh, and before you suggest that I change banks, forget it! While it would be relatively easy for me to change, it would be almost impossible for my mother’s accounts to be moved.